Monday, May 19, 2008

Oasis or mirage

I learned on Friday that chemo and radiation therapy may not be the recommended protocol for the treatment of my condition. I sure wasn't expecting that news. I was very definitely on a fast train heading into chemo and radiation therapy. Needless to say I would love to believe that these treatments will not be recommended. Whew! Confusing.... I am still learning about these alternative recommendations. Ultimately, it will be up to me to make the decision.

I have been praying for guidance in this decision. I will never know which choice would have been the best because the information available to me is incomplete and longitudinal studies are not abundant. There is disagreement among my physicians, which is decidedly not helpful to me! I don't doubt their expertise, nor their concern and compassion, but consensus would be more comforting.

Pastor Mark tells me that we find God in the in-between spaces where we would least expect to find Him. I am listening carefully and softening my gaze so that I may find his wisdom. I don't know if I will be able to sense the presence of God, but it is very helpful to me to feel the reverence, humility and love that prepare me for His presence.

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